10.5.2022 – heartsick with horror

heartsick with horror
to endure infinite
misunderstanding

Adapted from the short passage in the book, Look Homeward Angel by Thomas Wolfe (Charles Scribner’s Sons, New York, 1929) that reads:

Lying darkly in his crib, washed, powdered, and fed, he thought quietly of many things before he dropped off to sleep – the interminable sleep that obliterated time for him, and that gave him a sense of having missed forever a day of sparkling life. At these moments, he was heartsick with weary horror as he thought of the discomfort, weakness, dumbness, the infinite misunderstanding he would have to endure before he gained even physical freedom.

Heartsick with weary horror.

Discomfort.

Weakness.

Dumbness.

The infinite misunderstanding.

From the pen of Mr. Wolfe (and the editing of Maxwell Perkins), these are the musings of an infant child in a crib.

An infant with all of life to look forward, or at least, look ahead, to an entire life filed with discomfort, weakness, AND dumbness.

The infinite misunderstanding that would have to be endured.

Only to get worse with time.

Only to get worse with age.

As Big Bill put it:

And all our yesterdays have lighted fools. the way to dusty death. (Macbeth, Act 5 Scene 5)

Still can hear the line from the book, “Shoeless Joe” that says: “I wish I had your passion … However misdirected it may be, it is still a passion. If I had my life to live over again, I’d take more chances. I’d want more passion in my life. Less fear and more passion, more risk. Even if you fail, you’ve still taken a risk.

But more drawn to the line from the movie, Field of Dreams that states: “The man’s done enough. Leave him alone.

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