ask the question …
want to be helped, heard or hugged?
positive action
From the article, When Someone You Love Is Upset, Ask This One Question by Jancee Dunn.
Ms. Dunn writes that she was talking with her sister who is special-education teacher at an elementary school in upstate New York.
“What do you do when a kid is emotionally overwhelmed?” I asked. Many teachers at her school, she told me, ask students a simple question: Do you want to be helped, heard or hugged?
The choice gives children a sense of control, which is important when they’re following school rules all day, Heather said. “And all kids handle their emotions differently,” she explained. “Some need a box of tissues, or they want to talk about a problem on the bus, and I’ll just listen.”
It struck me that this question could be just as effective for adults.
The article got me to thinking because it sounded so good and so simple.
The part that reads:
Each option — an embrace, thoughtful but solicited advice or an empathetic ear — has the power to comfort and calm.
Receiving a hug from your partner increases levels of oxytocin, the bonding hormone, and helps dial down stress.
There’s evidence that being heard, known as “high-quality listening,” can reduce defensiveness during difficult and intimate conversations.
And some research suggests that couples who give each other supportive advice have higher relationship satisfaction.
Just makes so much sense.
But still something bothered me.
If we are talking about folks with whom we are in a close relationship with, shouldn’t I know the answer to the question before or without needing to ask?
Shouldn’t I know when someone close to me needs a hug, an ear, or advice?
Maybe …
Maybe not …
Ms. Dunn does write, “Now, when one of us is upset about something (if I’m honest, it’s usually me), the other will ask that question. It has been a game changer over the last few months. It clarifies needs. It de-escalates swirling emotions. It helps us take positive action.“
Maybe you need to set some ground rules about when to ask the question.
So I puzzled it someone and I realized something.
There are times when I myself am emotionally overwhelmed.
If someone asked me if I wanted to be helped, heard or hugged, I wouldn’t know what to say.
Anywhere from ALL THREE to AGGGGHHHHHH JUST LEAVE ME ALONE.
Don’t get me wrong, Do you want to be helped, heard or hugged? is a great question to ask.
It helps us take positive action.
Do I want to be helped, heard or hugged? is just as good a question … and maybe the place to start.
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